Transitioning out of the holidays and into the New Year brought one very clear thought with regards to this pregnancy — Am I ready?
It’s like the noise of holiday time and generally reflecting on the events of 2019 were keeping my immediate future from view. 2020 revealed my blind spot — all the feels related to the deeper transformation about to occur in my heart and my home.
Am I ready to give birth again? Go through labor? Become a mom to two kids? Become a mom to a daughter?
There are the more obvious preparations — doctors visits, hospital bags, padcicles, diapers, car seat — been there, done that. Then there’s the existential questions. The one’s without answers, only opportunities.
I’m feeling very strongly that Eden’s arrival will be ceremonial for me. I’m a daughter, but I don’t know my mother. Not the one who birthed me. The one who carried me for 9 months, felt my kicks, had cravings, endured labor and delivery. The one who nursed me, watched me with wonder as I looked at everything in the world with great curiosity and fascination. Who knew my daily rhythms, my needs, my babyhood likes and dislikes.
These details have largely remained a mystery to me throughout my life. With Eden, it will not be so and I feel the significance of that reality weighing heavily on me. I will have daily, detailed information about her beginning, the nuances of her movements, personality, and milestones.
Becoming a mother was transformative for me, but I think that becoming a mother to a daughter is a sort of personal rebirth. I don’t feel ready for that, but I am open to the opportunity to love in a way I’ve never known.