Pregnancy Week 19: Focus

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2016/02/22 by nikkiledford

 

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Pregnancy is WEIRD. And cool.

I’m typically the kind of person who is anticipating the next event. I rarely stay in the moment, preferring to eagerly entertain fantasies of “what it will be like when…” or shudder in anxiety over “what if…”.

Yoga and crisis events have been my only escape from this pattern of thinking. Even then they weren’t always foolproof. I’d stand strong in Warrior Two thinking about my next task or said crisis moment would thrust me even deeper into anxious thinking. Pregnancy has been a complete game changer. I cannot pull myself out of the moment, which is a good lesson for me to be learning. Heck, I wish I had learned it earlier. Pregnancy draws my attention to the fact that everyday is new and different. I may have the same job, same family, same chore list… but how I feel is in constant flux. My physical condition and emotional state on any given day is the Master of Ceremonies for my experience.

On the flip side, I’m having a really hard time imagining the actual parenting/baby part of this whole pregnancy thing. Right now, all I can see and feel is pregnancy. Each day, with its own set of symptoms and magic. Last week, I got to go watch him move around during my anatomy ultrasound. It’s so incredible that he’s kicking and putting his hands in his mouth, sleeping, and responding to my movements. It’s unreal. Thinking about him being on the outside is an almost unbelievable notion.

As I’ve mentioned in past updates, many people ask me if I’m excited about being a parent and meeting him. Honestly… I don’t really think about it that much. Right now, I’m pregnant. I’m not parenting. I’m not breastfeeding or picking out preschool or researching the lead content of his toys. I’m just growing him. It’s all I can do to make sure I’m getting adequate sleep, staying active, eating well, trying to maintain a sense of normalcy and avoiding stressful thoughts and/or circumstances.

Mostly, I want to enjoy or at least be present for the last few months of my life where I am not completely enamored, engaged, and enveloped in the life of my child.

I am so thankful for the opportunity that pregnancy has given me to really sink into the moment and be me without judgement or a nagging drive to “improve” upon myself.

Thanks baby.

Baby

 

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